Sins of Thy Mother 4 Read online

  Sins of Thy Mother 4:

  Maybe I’m Just Like My Mama

  ByNiki Jilvontae

  Copyright © 2016 by True Glory Publications

  Published by True Glory Publications

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  This novel is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to actual events, real people, living or dead, organizations, establishments or locales are products of the author’s imagination. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are used fictitiously.

  Editor: Venitia Crawford

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or by any means electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission from the publisher and writer.

  Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, and Web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication, and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

  Dedication

  This book is dedicated to the great mother who raised me and the great mother I've grown to be. Being a mother is not easy. This job comes with no instructions, no off days, and often no help, but we do it all because we love our kids. I just pray and wish every day that every child in the world could have that type of mother. So I dedicate this book to other great mothers as well. Keep being great because there are too many "so-called" mothers like Denise in the world!

  Acknowledgements

  I just want to thank the Most High for this incredible gift. I'd also like to thank my Pen Hustlas family, True Glory family including mentor Shameek Speight, RDP, BDP, MLP, HSP, and all of our other sister companies. I'd like to thank my family: mom, brother, daughter, son, and aunt Debra for their endless support on my literary journey, and my beta reader bestie Latoya Ms. Climaxxx Brown. Thank you all. Also thank all of my readers and supporters. It's so many of you all, but I love and appreciate each of you!!

  Prologue

  I spent my eighteenth birthday the year my sister and I killed our mother, wrapped up in Jerrod’s arms, staring into my daughter’s eyes. Despite all we had been through and all that I had done, I was lucky to have the happiness I had always dreamed of. With my mama and Lee gone, the house completely burned down destroying all evidence, and Lieutenant Black helping me out, Terricka and I were able to fade into the background as victims and begin normal lives.

  A full year went by with me living happy with my family, building a life for myself and working my ass off, trying hard to forget the past. I married Jerrod in a big beautiful wedding on Christmas day and I was right beside my sister to help when she had her first child. They ruled my mother and Lee’s deaths as a murder /suicide that next year and set my weary mind at ease. By then, I was happy and back home with the Robinson’s close by and with Jerrod and A’Miracle with me where they belonged. I didn’t want anything to change that.

  Finding out we would each gain a half of million dollars following our mother’s death was the icing on the cake, which came in the form of certified letters as we prepared to go out to celebrate my 21st birthday that next year. I can still remember the look on Terricka’s face when she got that envelope in her hands and began planning what she would do with it. Buddy was right there with her as he helped her to spend money in their minds that she didn’t even have yet.

  I wanted to step forward and say something, but I figured who was I to tell her anything with all of the fucked up decisions I had made. Hell I had wanted to say something when Terricka got pregnant with her second child before she had even had her six weeks’ checkup, but I couldn’t. However, as I sat there besides Jerrod later at our house, and watched my now pregnant with her third child sister ignore one, chastise one, while drinking beer after beer, poisoning the other, I thought about how the apple never fell far from the tree. I couldn’t help but look at my sister with some of the same disgust I once looked at my mother with when I heard her tell my nephew to sit his stupid ass down. A tear fell from my eye as I rushed over to pick up my barely walking, crying nephew Ryan and tell him how much I loved him. I held him tightly to my chest while I watched A’Miracle play with Rodney Jr., Terricka’s first son, and Jerrod came up to rub my back.

  “What’s up with Terricka?” Jerrod asked me as my sister’s drunk, belligerent voice suddenly got louder and everyone in the room turned to look at her.

  For the first time in my life, I felt embarrassed to call her my sister, as I faced a fact I knew all along.

  “Maybe she’s just like our mother,” I said to my husband as I shook my head while I hugged my nephew tight, and hoped that I wouldn’t have to slay a dragon of my own.

  Four years after that day, Terricka and I began to drift apart and I moved off to California with Jerrod to start our new life. Life in Apple Valley, California was beautiful. It so much different from the chaos I lived in Memphis, so much so that I often wondered was all of the horror that haunted me in my dreams simply in my head. The scars all over my body and those mental stains that would probably never go away were the only things left to remind me that life wasn’t always so good. Those scars reminded me that there was still pain in the world, and in my own family for that matter.

  Although I had Sha in the same state as me after he had moved to Sacramento with his father, there was still Terricka hundreds of miles away projecting her own sins on her children. With four kids, our mama’s insurance money gone, and a baby daddy who didn’t work or provide, my sister had slipped into the sticky web of drugs, violence, and despair furnished by the underbelly of Memphis. I rarely talked to my sister at this point, but when I did it was never pleasant. That’s why I knew all of the things I had heard about her were true. I knew they were true because even when I did talk to Terricka I never felt that unbreakable bond we had always shared. Usually our talks were short, but never sweet because Terricka always seemed to have this chip on her shoulder. I can remember our last conversation perfectly, all of the malice and ignorance still rings in my ears.

  “Shut the fuck up stupid muthafuckas. Don’t y’all see I’m on the phone?” Terricka yelled as she cursed at her loud, playful kids in the background.

  Their giggles and laughter quickly stopped and they left the room as soon as Terricka opened her mouth and I felt rage ignite inside of me as I held the phone to my ear. That was an anger I hadn’t felt in five years because it reminded me of the horrible life I had before. I guess that’s why I had subconsciously pushed as far away from my sister as I could.

  I couldn’t help but to run away from the person she had become because it reminded me of the horrible person our mother once was. The 25-year old successful woman I had become just didn’t want to go back to that life so I avoided anything related to it. Everything except Sha. Over the years I had stayed in constant contact with him as I monitored his progress while I ignored the sister I once admired who was nearby.

  Terricka was the last person I wanted to talk to because she was always negative, which is why I wanted to just hang up the phone at that moment and end all the ugliness that she represented. I didn’t want all of her misery to shatter the happy world I had created. I wanted to see her and deep down I missed her deeply, but I just couldn’t bring pain into my world.

  Suddenly, all I could do as I sat there in my office at my publishing company, was think about the three kids who begged for help as their mother gave them the worse that the world had to offer. In my heart I knew that the rumors were true and that Terricka’s kids were living some of the s
ame horrors we had lived. That was enough motivation for me to swallow that twinge of fear of what could happen that dwelled inside of me and face the devil my sister was about to become head on.

  “Yea, who the fuck is this?” My sister yelled into the phone finally as I tried to think of the right words to say.

  Nothing I thought of at that moment seemed right though because I knew Terricka would be offended by anything I had to say. After a few seconds I gave up on the plan of finding a tactic to avoid Terricka’s rage and flipped back into the smart mouthed, don’t take no shit girl I had become shortly after my mother’s murder.

  “You know who the hell this is, it’s your sister. You would have known that had you not answered the phone with all that bullshit. So wassup T? What’s going on with you maine? Why are you hollering at those kids like that?” I asked my sister as adrenaline and anger surged through my body and I thought about the angry, scrunched up face I was sure she was making.

  I couldn’t believe that Terricka was repeating the same fucked up mistakes our mother had made and continuing the cycle of abuse that had almost killed us. That made me wonder if my sister suffered from the same mental illnesses our mother had. I didn’t wonder about that long though because as soon as my sister spoke all hope was lost. “Awll shit, it’s the bougie bitch. Y’all its Ms. Rich!” Terricka said to herself as she laughed into the phone like a fucking lunatic.

  “What the fuck you want Tisha? You calling to tell me what a fucked up mother I am again? Or are you calling to brag about all of the new shit you got living out there in Cali like you rich and famous. Bitch, you ain’t rich. You ain’t shit Tisha just like me so don’t call me on yo queen shit preaching bullshit to me when you have no idea what the fuck I’m going through. Bitch where you at? I’ll tell you BITCH. You’re hundreds of miles away doing you so let me do me. If you ain’t trying to send me shit witcho rich ass I ain’t got shit to say. So wassup with yo ass now SISTER?” Terricka yelled into the phone spewing her hate, hurt, and misery at me like daggers.

  Her words felt like daggers too as they ripped through my heart and tore me apart. That little girl who loved her big sister and still lived inside of me cried a river as she sat in her big office inside of her very successful business. Even with all I had at that point and all I had gone through all I wanted the most was to have that close bond with my sister again and be the family we had always wished for. I still dreamed about escaping to a happy place with my siblings so that we could run through a field amongst beautiful flowers. I wanted them to have that same peace I had. That just didn’t seem possible for Terricka though, not at that time anyway so I met her force with one equally hurtful and hateful.

  “What the fuck? You gotta be kidding me. I can’t believe you sitting yo big head ass over there trying to read me like that. What the fuck Terricka? We used to be so close we shared the same thoughts and breaths. Now you on some straight fuck me shit, talking to me like I’m some random hoe on the streets. Really Terricka?” I asked my sister as I stopped for a second to catch my breath and she sighed on the other end.

  Her disrespect at a time when I was trying to figure out what was going on and when she had started feeling that way, really set me off as I laid into Terricka like she had done me.

  “Bougie bitch? Bougie? Me? See now I know you down there popping pills, getting drunk, snorting powder, and wilding just like everybody said. Bitch ain’t shit about me bougie. Am I successful? Yes, but that’s because I worked my ass off to get to where I am Terricka. Believe that. Bitch we had the same opportunity, the same stepping stool to change the direction of our lives and live better than we knew possible. I took that money from Denise and invested a small portion into my writing while I let the rest sit in an interest baring account. Meanwhile, I wrote and put out my own books, doing everything I could to change my life with that blood money. I remember coming to you right after we got it and asking yo funky ass to go in with me on the business. You remember what you said to me Terricka?” I yelled out of breath as I got up to pace the floor of my office.

  As I walked my size 7 Louboutin heels clicked loudly on the Italian marble floor. I waited for a second and gave Terricka a chance to respond, however I quickly realized she wasn’t going to so I went in again.

  “Bitch I’ll tell yo drugged out ass what you said. You told me to get my nosey ass the fuck out yo face. You said you had it and you knew what you were going to do with YO money. You told me to worry about my money and that when mine was gone not to ask you for shit. Remember that? DO you remember that SISTER? Bougie? Bitch I ain’t never been bougie because I know just like you do that being hungry, broke, and disgusted ain’t no joke.”

  “We came from the same hell Terricka so how can you sit here and try to flip shit on me cause you fucked up? You was the bitch in the hood buying dope like it was going out of style for your stupid ass new baby daddy, Vito to flip. Dope this nigga never fucking flipped. Y’all muthafuckas was taking trips, buying cars, and doing all other kinds of ghetto fabulous bullshit, barley buying R.J. and Ryan anything. I took care of them and you took care of Y’all Terricka. Now you got four kids, no money, and a broke ass baby daddy and you blame me? You act like you losing yo fucking mind ShaTerricka, but I’m ready to help you get it back. Bitch that’s why Buddy left you or should I call him Rodney. That maine won’t even go by the name Buddy no more because he said it reminds him of you.”

  “He knew that you were going crazy too that’s why he got out when he did. Hell, yo behavior proves something wrong witcho ass. I just wish he would have taken Rodney Jr. and Ryan with him. Maybe then you wouldn’t have met baby daddy Vito and started down this fucked up path. Maybe you wouldn’t even have had Tania and Talaya. Maybe your life would be easier then, without yo kids. It probably would’ve been better, huh? I say that because I know deep down that you just like mama ain’t it Terricka? You just wonna be free huh? YOU’RE JUST LIKE DENISE AIN’T YA TERRICKA?” I screamed like a maniac as I watched my secretary walk towards my door, but I waved her off instead while tears poured out of my eyes.

  The moment I said that I regretted it because that was an answer I really didn’t want to hear. I wanted to hold on to the tiny bit of hope that I could talk some sense into my sister. I wanted her to be okay, but I suddenly felt like I had gone about it wrong. I quickly tried to lessen the blow of my statement and possibly save our damned relationship, but my heart told me from the start that it was already gone.

  “Terricka before you say anything let me tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry for bringing up Buddy like that and I’m sorry if you think I’m bougie and trying to be something I’m not. What I’m most sorry about though is what really has you so in your feelings. I’m sorry sister. I’m sorry I left you there to wade the waters alone. I really do apologize Terricka. I tried to get you to come just like I tried to get you to invest and save your money, but sister you just wouldn’t listen. I had to leave in order to live Terricka because I was dying slowly in that chaos. I will always love and help you sister so please just tell me we can be alright again. I can help you with the kids, they can come live with me, and you can go off to get help and get yourself together. I just want you to be alright Terricka. I need you to be alright. We all we got, remember? I AM MY SISTER’S KEEPER. Right?” I asked as Terricka sat silent and she held the phone.

  For a second I thought she had hung up but suddenly her loud, angry to the point of deranged laughter filled my eardrums as she laughed and I held the phone away from my ear. When her laughter stopped so did my heart as my sister did damage to our relationship I feared could never be repaired. “You little shaky, bougie, ghetto bitch. Who the fuck do you think you are Tisha? Just because you saved some money and got a little company, you think you’re better than me? Bitch you wouldn’t have none of that shit if it wasn’t for me. I was the one who took all the beatings for you, and extra dicks in my mouth to shield yo green ass from what was going on around us. Bitch I gave you and Sha my li
fe from the time y’all was born. Hell I gave up my soul by killing our mother just so that you could live without the fear of Denise finding you and taking yo baby. I have always given up everything Tisha and what have I ever got in return? Huh, Ms. Know-It-All sister? You know what I got?” Terricka yelled as I heard her cry between her words.

  “I got an insatiable hunger for drugs, fast money, and niggas that mean me no good. Bitch I am a product of my environment and so are you. The only difference is you had somebody that could make you forget the pain and you wanted to live better, but bitch I ain’t you. Everybody don’t make it out and have that fairy tale happy ending we always thought was around the corner. I’m fucking broken Tisha and nobody can fix me, not even you. You don’t give a fuck anyway though. DO you?” Terricka yelled as she bawled and I cried just as hard while I fell back into my chair.

  The pain in my sister’s voice melted all of my anger and made me feel for the broken little girl she still was. All I wanted to do at that moment was comfort my sister like she had always done me and ensure her everything would alright. “Terricka of course I care. I love you sister, and I.” I said as tears fell from my eyes and rolled down my peach, silk blouse and left a puddle of my pain as a reminder of the guilt I felt.

  Terricka cut me off as she yelled my name and I stopped but continued to sob. Everything was silent for moments as I got lost in my thoughts and wallowed in my pain. I knew from the start what was eating Terricka even though she never wanted to admit it. However, hearing her explode like she did made me wish I could have swallowed my own fears and sacrificed my happiness for my sister like she had always done for me. I wished I had never left Terricka in Memphis alone to raise her kids by herself. She was there in the place where we endured the most pain and my selfish ass hadn’t even tried my hardest to get her away. If I could have turned back the hands of time in that moment I would have, and just started back at that day our mother was killed. However, I didn’t have a fucking time machine so I had to just sit there and await the inevitable.